𝗡𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴: 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗦𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗶𝘃𝗮𝗹, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗦𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲

Before launching her startup, Priya* spent a decade as a software engineer in a bustling corporate environment. Despite her appreciation of the company and team, she always felt out of place at large meetings and networking mixers, often retreating early or avoiding them entirely.

Her deep curiosity about how things worked and her empathy for others who felt overlooked in loud, crowded spaces inspired her to create a platform that helps engineers learn and promote technical, business, and self-promotion skills, relying on asynchronous courses with the option to book advisory sessions.

When her company gained traction, Priya found herself thrust into the spotlight, needing to attend industry conferences, join networking events, and interact with potential investors. Ironically, in trying to solve one set of career challenges, she amplified another by needing to attend more events.

Priya pushed through these events but became increasingly disheartened without gaining the desired traction. When her startup was invited to pitch at a prestigious tech summit—a wonderful opportunity to secure funding and partnerships—she faced a dilemma. The event was a high-energy, multi-day affair with hundreds of attendees.

While Priya recognized the opportunity, she dreaded the prospect, knowing the constant social demands would be draining.

While visiting her parents and sharing her concerns, Priya's father kept emphasizing all the crucial connections that would be there. Her mother, however, asked a striking question: if her daughter loved solving problems, why not treat this hesitation as a complex engineering problem? Priya lit up.

She began by researching the attendee list, identifying key people she genuinely wanted to meet: an investor with a track record of supporting similar platforms, two potential customers and partners, and a fellow founder who'd built a similar product five years ago. Priya set a clear, manageable goal: have two meaningful conversations each conference day.

Priya rehearsed her story, focusing on the "why" behind her company and real-life success stories. She prepared open-ended questions to create more meaningful discussions and guide conversations toward her vision, such as "What is the best balance between skills training and promotion when searching for a new job?" She planned to arrive early to acclimate before the crowds surged and locate where she could find her target connections. Between sessions, she found quiet areas to recharge, resisting the urge to push through exhaustion.

Priya left the summit tired but not depleted. She realized that by preparing intentionally, pacing herself, and focusing on authentic connections, she could thrive in environments she once dreaded.

By the summit's end, Priya had not only met her targets but also had a spontaneous, deep conversation with another introverted founder during a quiet coffee break. Two weeks later, she secured a second meeting with the investor, landed a pilot project with a customer, and gained a new friend and mentor in her fellow founder. When she next visited her parents, she delighted them by talking much more than usual about her progress and insights.

Sailing Rough Seas

When caught in a storm, a ship captain must decide how to respond to the rough waves and brutal winds. The decision to turn toward the storm may seem counterintuitive, but it's actually the best approach. Facing the trouble minimizes the boat's rocking from water and wind and offers the quickest path through the storm to calmer waters.

While not as perilous, introverted leaders face genuine, palpable stress when attending numerous events. Though some gatherings may prove unexpectedly enjoyable, introverts typically dread public functions, become easily drained, and require recovery time afterward.

This post examines events broadly, offering insights on how to optimize what you can control and navigate these situations effectively.

The Value of Networking

Events are critical for startup success, opening doors to funding, partnerships, business development, and countless other opportunities. You might think these gatherings are just for exchanging business cards and making small talk—a waste of precious time.

But as an introvert, success isn't about meeting everyone in the room. Instead, focus on building meaningful one-on-one connections with people to whom you can add value or who can provide value to you.

“Networking is more quality, and less quantity.

It’s better to form a solid connection with one

new person, than a liquid connection with ten.”

– Jarod Kintz

Even if you recognize networking's value, you may still dread events. Let's explore how to approach events strategically to optimize opportunities and diminish disappointment.

Preparation and Curation

By preparing for the event, you are taking the first step to improve your attitude, energy, and likelihood of success.

• Check your mindset. Recognize that events are opportunities for learning and growth, not performances. We will talk about ways to reinforce this approach.

  
  

• Research attendees. Know who you want to connect with. They might be speaking at specific times, staffing tables, or open to grabbing coffee.

  
  

• Set clear goals. For example, aim to meet five new people or make one meaningful connection. I permit myself to leave after having one good conversation. Often, energized by that interaction, I choose to stay longer—and having less pressure makes the whole experience much easier.

• Embrace authenticity. Attend events planning to be the best version of yourself while staying true to your vision and values. Like dating, you want to present yourself well without compromising who you are.

• Plan conversation starters. As an introvert, I love asking questions that go beyond small talk. Consider these questions to connect deeper:

  • What do you do for fun?

  • What excites you right now?

  • What one thing has influenced you the most?

  • What's the best thing that happened in the last few weeks?

  • What is something incredible about you that even your friends don't know?

• Rehearse your story. Prepare a concise version that captures both mind and heart. Describe what you do and why, emphasizing the problems you solve and sharing real examples of people you've helped. While this confidence may not come naturally at first, practice telling your story clearly and concisely.

• Frame your mindset. Be proud of who you are, and be prepared to own the space. Don't confuse nervousness with incompetence. As an introvert, you may feel more anxious than others due to heightened sensitivity. This dread isn't a reflection of your knowledge, skills, or abilities.

• Follow your desire. I once believed that "networking is the best form of working," and with that in mind, attended every possible event. Over time, I realized this was exhausting and futile. Instead, choose events that excite you, align with your industry, or attract your target audience.

Authentic Participation

“You don’t ever want to be, or try to be, someone you’re not.

It’s when you show up as your real self that you’ll feel

most comfortable and connect with others most powerfully.”

– Melitta Campbell

Since events can be draining, I approach them with intention. I arrive with a clear purpose and plan for my time there. Here are some main considerations.

Logistics. Arriving early helps you ease into the environment. With fewer people present, you're more likely to find meaningful one-on-one conversations.

Alternatively, arriving later helps you avoid peak crowds, and having the event's end time closer makes the experience more manageable.

Consider bringing a notebook to jot down thoughts or questions. It helps with processing the event at the moment while providing a natural excuse for taking breaks when needed.

Most importantly, schedule quiet time before and after events to prepare and recover.

Meet new people. It's valuable to seek diverse connections across professions, industries, ages, and backgrounds for fresh ideas and varied perspectives. You'll often discover unexpected common ground. For instance, people are frequently surprised when I mention I'm an introvert at social events, and I'm equally amazed to learn this about others, especially those who appear outwardly energetic.

I look for people who demonstrate open body language and whose physical cues indicate they're approachable, receptive, and at ease in social settings. People with open body language typically have relaxed shoulders, uncrossed arms and legs, and a welcoming posture. They often face toward the room rather than turning away. Their expressions are genuine, with warm smiles and comfortable eye contact.

Reading these signals helps identify people who'll likely welcome conversation, making social interactions feel more natural.

My fellow introverts. I seek out other introverts, knowing they'll appreciate direct, one-on-one conversation over group interactions.

You can spot introverts at events through subtle behavioral cues. They often stand or sit alone, perhaps off to the side. Look for them in quieter spaces near bookshelves, artwork, or outdoors. They might engage with pets or children as social anchors.

Mirroring. When talking with someone new, observe that person's energy, cadence, gestures, and posture. This technique doesn't mean copying or mimicking someone's behavior exactly but trying to meet them where they are to the extent it's comfortable.

Awareness. Remember to breathe regularly. You might feel overwhelmed at key moments, like when entering a room, hearing the crowd’s noise peak, or during excited conversations. In these situations, your heart rate may increase, you might perspire, and your mouth could become dry. Throughout it all, focus on maintaining steady breathing or use a simple technique, like exhaling for four seconds followed by a one-second inhale.

At the event, there may be others who are eager to share information and ask questions but aren't sure how best to approach or engage you in conversation. While writing my next book, I actually interviewed several extroverts who admitted feeling uncomfortable in certain social settings. Remember, when you show compassion for others, you learn to extend that same kindness to yourself.

Pacing. I take breaks when needed. Upon arrival, I often visit the restroom to take a deep breath. If anxiety builds, I might step away to check my phone or catch my breath. If I become overwhelmed, I know it's time to leave.

There's a delicate balance between pushing yourself to network and avoiding exhaustion. Checking in with myself regularly allows me to stay longer at valuable events.

Pull on Strengths. In conversations, I start with my prepared introduction about my background and interests, then lean into active listening and thoughtful questions, areas where we introverts often excel.

Varying the conversation starters above usually reveal interesting details about others while keeping them engaged. I like to dig deeper. For instance, after asking, "What excites you right now?" and hearing their response, I might follow with, "Why are you interested in that?" or "Who is your target audience?" Three questions in a row often uncover the most fascinating insights. (However, remember to give others a chance to ask questions to avoid seeming like an interview.)

Both extroverts and introverts I know find themselves uncomfortable at large groups, meetings, and events. Before entering your next event, calm yourself, reflect on what you have to offer, and plan to be generous with others. People you will want to meet will respond positively.

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

— Stephen Hawking

Activation for Best Results

The real value of events emerges in what you do afterward. Building on the connections you've made requires thoughtful follow-up, whether through a personal note or a one-on-one meeting.

Within two business days of the event, reach out to those who genuinely interest you. Be specific about what you appreciate from the conversation and express your desire to connect again. Include a clear way to schedule the next discussion (e.g. calendar link).

Consider offering a thoughtful "gift." Share a relevant article or book if you discussed a specific topic or recommend an upcoming event they might enjoy. If you know someone who would be a valuable connection for them, offer to make an introduction.

To maintain a strong network, I stay in consistent contact. I connect monthly with key people in my network either in person or by email. Quarterly, I share updates about my work and family life, along with compelling ideas I've encountered. This regular communication strengthens the entire network.

“To achieve any goal, you need other people to help you do it.” 

– Judy Robinett

Since energy is finite, I carefully choose my connections. An inspiring network energizes me and enhances what I can offer others, so I stay in touch with people I'm eager to help and learn from. When relationships become one-sided, it's healthy to acknowledge this and remove them from contact.

Science Explains Introverts vs. Extroverts at Events

Ever wonder why some people light up at the prospect of a crowded event while others need a deep breath just to walk through the door? Science reveals that the difference between introverts and extroverts at social gatherings is more than just personality—it's wired into our brains.

Before Events

Extroverts: Anticipation of social interaction triggers their dopamine reward system, making them feel energized and motivated to attend. Dopamine, a chemical messenger in the brain, transmits signals between nerve cells and influences motivation, mood, and reward. When released in response to rewarding stimuli, it creates feelings of pleasure and reinforces reward-seeking behaviors.

Introverts: The thought of group interaction can feel overwhelming because introverts' brains are more sensitive to dopamine, requiring only a small amount to feel its effects. For them, social stimulation quickly becomes overwhelming.

During Events

Extroverts: Socializing increases dopamine, making them feel more alert, confident, and excited. They thrive on the stimulation, seeking out new interactions and conversations.

Introverts: As dopamine builds with ongoing stimulation, introverts become overstimulated, anxious, and/or fatigued. They often need to withdraw or find quiet spaces to get beyond feeling overwhelmed.

After Events

Extroverts: The dopamine "high" lingers, leaving them feeling satisfied and energized well after socializing.

Introverts: They typically experience an "introvert hangover"—mental and physical fatigue from dopamine overload. They need alone time to recover, often through calming activities that boost acetylcholine instead.

Acetylcholine, another brain chemical, restores calm by activating the "rest and digest" mode of the nervous system. It slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and relaxes muscles. This chemical is released during quiet activities like reading or reflecting, helping introverts feel relaxed and content.

While dopamine energizes extroverts through external stimulation, acetylcholine rewards introverts when they turn inward. Dopamine helps extroverts build connections through social engagement, while acetylcholine enables introverts to process experiences deeply and plan thoughtfully after events.

Note: The physical body responds identically to both eustress (positive stress) and distress (negative stress) with rapid breathing, a racing heart, and a dry mouth. What distinguishes these symptoms is your mind interpreting the situation to determine whether you're excited or afraid. When you feel signs of nervousness, your body could be gearing up for something positive, such as an opportunity to meet someone fascinating or learn something valuable.

Understanding these biological differences can help you approach any gathering more effectively and appreciate how both personality types contribute to success.

Key Takeaway: Events are essential for building valuable connections and advancing professional goals. Approach them strategically by preparing in advance, seeking authentic interactions, pacing yourself, and using your natural strengths to maximize value.

How Can I Keep Learning? Review the next event on your calendar. Take five minutes now to plan how you'll prepare differently to make the most of this opportunity.

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* Priya's story is a fictional account inspired by various people and situations I've encountered over the years. It was created to provide another perspective on this topic.

I wrote this post with AI editing. Photo Product School.

Build Scale Grow solves problems for fast-growing startups, specializing in Social Impact, EdTech, and Health Tech and focusing on Introverted Founders.

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